Nanni

I am so angry I want to throw things.

My parents use an independent pharmacy and my brother's prescriptions are there too. (Mine are not.)

One of the pharmacists doesn't believe in psychiatric drugs, and has a habit of harassing patients who have prescriptions for them. Nothing actually illegal, and usually not especially blatant, but today she refused to fill his ambien (her definitions are broad unlike her mind) at his usual prescription, insisting that it was for 'one' a day instead of two or 'one or two' as needed.

Yeah.

We're changing pharmacies. It's great to support independent local businesses, but not if they're populated by ablist unprofessional jerks who are harming their patients.

My urge to get my hands on her shoulders and shake will pass.

... ... ...Why. Why. Why. *whimper*

Groupwork. I agreed to put the paper together. Nobody sent me their chunks with proper citations. Citation stresses me out.

'nuff said.

I had an appointment with an new psychiatrist yesterday. I am somewhat ambivalent about it.

I mean, see, the thing is - I'm very self aware. I know my fears are generally irrational, and I'm aware that worrying about what people think of me is... ... ...wrong. So I. I don't know, telling me that I don't need to worry about what people think of me because it's really none of my business makes me feel slightly sick. I know it's a failing. I know it's egotistical and -

...I'm pretty sure he meant to be reassuring, though.

I'm having what is really a very mild resurgence of social anxiety. It's not that bad. I can step away from interactions that I'm having difficulty with and not drive myself into a breakdown over what a horrible person I am because I'm having problems interacting with people who like me and who I like blah blah blah depressive neurotic cakes. I've even been productive!

Unfortunately, I am having problems with the actual communicating.

This is not the worst symptom ever, but it's certainly one I can't say I'm a fan of.

Thing is, I'm not sure if this is actually an uptick in social anxiety, or just spending a lot of energy getting through it in real time face to face conversations. I'm with people having conversations and negotiating complicated relationships and balancing needs for, oh, ten hours a day every day at the very least, and there's a lot of physical effort that goes with all that emotional effort. It feels easy while I'm doing it, but it's definitely taking a toll. (I'm also not really getting weekends on my own, evenings are variable, and there's a lot of empathic stress bleed going on.) I haven't written more than a few paragraphs since I got here, and those were a massive struggle. I mean, they were fun, but it was like pushing a full wheelbarrow up a steep foothill at the end of a very long day spent hiking and hauling supplies. Which is to say, fun, but hard. I kept zoning out two words into a sentence.

So it might be an upswing, or I might just be too wiped to effectively engage my coping strategies in a way that results in me talking on blogs/journals in the evening.

...Come to think of how I promptly started doing laundry when my aunt and uncle and cousins left the house about one thirty today (they're not coming back until tomorrow! It's such a relief I could cry!) which is my usual I Am Completely Overwhelmed and need something repetitive to do until I have my brain back activity, possibly the latter is a good bet.

Day after tomorrow I need to call my pharmacy and get my prescription transferred to somewhere I can pick it up out here. I've only got three doses left. That's not going to be pretty if I let it run out.

Also, now that I know when I'm going to be back, I need to call my doctor's office and set up an appointment for. Well. When I'm going to be back.

Yes, a link on metafandom, which I should not have clicked! And, uh, can't link to because I closed it and reading it in the first place was a bad idea, if I go back, I will read it again, even though I don't know why I read that poll about expectations of response to comments once I had it open: I should have clicked away so fast.

But I did, and therefore here we go:

Dear everyone who expects or wants a response from me when you comment,

I sympathize, I really do. I know it's rude to ignore people. I don't fail to respond because I don't like you, or because I think I'm better than you, or because I just don't care.

I might, under some circumstances, not be responding because I didn't see your comment, but probably what happened?

Is that I wrote that post because I was having a good day, and I could talk and interact and felt confident and not like the worst person in the world. And then I had to go to bed or I walked away from the computer and you commented and I came back and tried to write back to you. Maybe I even got a paragraph down before I erased it and tried again. Maybe I tried again after that. Maybe I couldn't get anything written in the first place and just stared at the box and felt terrible. There might have been crying because I was just so tired all of a sudden, and I couldn't do it. I was too scared, even though maybe I know you and like you. Possibly everything I could put down just sounded egotistical and over sharing. Maybe I told myself not everyone wants to know about my writing process and I don't even know this person to know if they do.

Who knows? It might have been all of the above!

So I gave up because I felt awful, and you know, maybe in a week or so I'll have a good day again, and I'll come back and be able to talk to you. If you still want to maybe we can have a slow motion conversation that way.

I'm sorry, I know it sucks. I know it feels bad, when people don't answer you. I know you start to wonder if you're just being annoying.

I'm so sorry. I really do try.

But a lot of the time I just can't. I really, really, really can't, and if you are commenting on a story in particular it's not that I don't enjoy concrit (I do!) or lengthy comments or anything like that, but the thing is: I often put up stories not when I feel good, but when I already feel so bad it's hard to breathe. I will try to answer, I will! But it will take a while, and if it's been weeks I might never manage it. I'll feel bad about that, and I know maybe you're feeling bad too. I'm really sorry. But I spent a very long time basically not talking at all because I didn't know if I'd be able to respond, and believe me, that sucked worse.

From my end, anyhow. I bet plenty of people didn't care.

God, I'm trying, but it's so damn hard. I hate saying so. I feel like Whiny McWhinersen making excuses, and I know it doesn't help because people still get hurt but. There you go.

Apologies,

Me

ETA: I should probably add that this is not exactly about people who are subscribed to my journal, one way or the other, although I often wish I could manage to interact with you all more, because I like you - I generally figure that if you haven't taken me off by now, my brain's habit of dumping me on the side of the highway to walk back to down is something you don't take personally. But it. Is part of why I have trouble talking to new people, and why sometimes stories sit on my journal for months and never get promoted anywhere.

*handwavyhandwavy*