Nanni

My folks are out of town this week, helping my grandfolks (my dad's parents) move to a flexible assisted living complex. This means sorting forty odd years worth of stuff, and deciding what to move to the new apartment, what to sort out amongst the siblings (Dad and his two sisters), what to throw out, and what to donate to charity. We are apparently inheriting a snowblower.

Among other things. I have a new project! Gonna scan decades worth of projector slides.

I'm still behind on comments, and have only written a little, which is annoying, because it's not as if I don't want to talk, I just keep feeling so tired. ...which, uh, I keep you know. Saying. Bluh. Unfortunately it keeps being true. On the other hand, I have a fair amount of a different kind of energy. Plugging away at exposures, and I've been clearing out the garage, which we've been meaning to get to for ages and ages.

The promised snowblower is making it rather urgent.

I think I saw a cooper's hawk on Wednesday, though I'm not sure, because it was moving very fast and basically all I saw was a flash of red and cream and the acrobatic maneuverinI through low and close branches.

And currently I'm trying to sit with a deeply uncomfortable fear I'm a bad person because I told my youngest brother I'm more likely to be really interested in women poets than men who are poets. So I guess I'll just. Sit with that. For a while.

There's something sort of freeing in realizing you're going to feel like shit no matter what you do, whether you post about your writing projects or post fic or post weird early modern illustrations of monkeys or whether you don't post those things and in fact don't post anything at all so you might as well go ahead and do it right? because the consequences are gonna be basically the same whatever, the only thing that changes is what your brain latches onto to hurt you with!

And anyway, the theory is that if you just do those things that make you feel so bad and instead of running away from it you just kind of wait it out eventually it'll be like, normal people levels of awful instead of "no I couldn't possibly give a speech and pin a medal on front of the president in front of everybody and the cameras!!!" level awful to you know. post fic. or stuff about how you're feeling. or what you're writing. or. cats.

*crinkles nose* I kind of want to delete this because part of me thinks even writing it in the first place is complaining and fishing for sympathy and being a horrible person and so on. but that probably means I should post it. So I guess I will!

I dreamt last night that I woke up and there were three thoughtful and kind and interesting messages in my tumblr messagebox.

This felt good for about three seconds, before I realized I was going to have to answer them, and they all needed long and nuanced replies, and I hadn't answered the thoughtful and kind and interesting message from last week that needed a long and nuanced reply -

And that was the point at which I woke up in a panic.

Keeping up with everything is weirdly hard. It feels like I'm doing nothing, but at the same time I've got this big long list of things to do. And pretty well all of them are hard.

Including answering comments, why is that so hard, it's not like I don't want to talk to everyone! Arrrrgggggh brain why.

Also I need to start biking again.

*props chin in hands*

I was diagnosed with OCD (and, to the surprise of absolutely no one, recurring major depression) about a month and half ago. Extensive testing administered by fellow grad students is a good thing!

It's pretty much a huge relief, because a lot of the treatment avenues for generalized or social anxiety or bipolar, which were the several guesses beforehand just weren't working in - various ways. But now I've started with a specialist and am working on figuring out how to pay for an intensive outpatient program and hopefully I will be able to work my brain into better shape!

I have talked with New Therapist and he agrees with me that daily blogging is a good exposure exercise. (I wimped out about that the past couple of days since I've seen him, and I feel terrible about it. but I will work harder!) So I'm going to keep at it.

I figure I also need to finally make myself catch up on my comments arrrrgh.

Uh, anyway that's what's going on and hopefully having made this post I'll find it easier to just keep talking about more or less nothing.

Okay. For May I need to post every day. Every. Day. I go ages and ages not posting and not commenting and not anything because I feel bad and that makes me want to not take up space. But I need to take up space, like anyone else, and so I'm gonna try! Gonna try.

I am extremely tired and rather sad and feel like all I have done is whine lately, but I had incredibly horrific nightmares last night and am afraid to sleep.

This is a problem.

On the upside, I got to give a chinchilla skritchies today!

I wish I had more energy and more focus. It feels like the inside of my skull is full of fuzzy dead channel static.

Yesterday the weather changed.

In the morning it rained, steady and light. A soaking rain, but not a storm. By early afternoon the northeastern wind that had brought it had blown it away again, and by midafternoon it had taken the clouds as well. But the chill stayed, and last night I had turn off my fans and pile up my blankets for the first time in months. I slept and slept and woke up after twelve hours to a bright blue day with the sun casting highlights on my rocking chair that made it glow.

I'm hoping there are other things that will change with it.

Went to the pyschatrist this morning. Went better than it has, although he did not actually have any helpful advice for me. Oh well. Guess I needed to make an appointment with my talking cure person anyway.

It's an absolutely gorgeous day here and I am sitting in my rocking chair in one of my windows with a mug of coffee. To be honest the weather is sort of worrying and the factory near by is in in the midst of offloading a multicar shipment so there is a lot of squealing trainbrakes and noisy warning horns going on that makes the open window a bit of a disadvantage - although come to think of it the sound the brakes and wheels and tracks make all together is fairly awesome and if I had time for my found sound composition amibitions to be anything more than ambitions and a set of notes I would really need to do some sampling because I think I could make something deeply dreamy and relaxing out of this...

Especially with some human voice stuff hm.

But that is all Things I would like to do if I had time which I do not have time because I am writing intensely political histories of disability and disease instead tah daaaaaah so.

Anyway. Good day. Going well. I'll figure out which way is up in this sea of mid-19th century articles and court cases that use the rhetoric of degeneracy eventually.